Wow Now Thats what I call Music

2.28.2007

you know what I sometimes wish?


That I was going to become an English professor.
I mean seriously how cool would that be? Your whole job is basically to learn for the rest of your life, I could write some really pretentious books of poetry and date students.
Plus this way I cold stay in college for the rest of my life.

But I have no patience and I'd probably play favorites.
I constantly make fun of that one girl in my English class.
It wouldn't bode well with the board.
So back to film it is.
Hollywood here I come.

I'm going out to buy a really cool scarf.

2.26.2007

Like the monkey I'm just going to throw out some crap tonight

Fact:
the Oscars are really boring to write about. I wasn't in L.A. and Eddie
Murphy did not show up and get piss drunk and pee in the corner.
Leonardo DiCaprio didn't make with Al Gore while they took a joyride
in their hybrid limo and threw biodegradable fruit at Ford trucks. It was a pretty dull
night. Therefore, I'm sorry BGnews, I was wrong when I thought the Oscars
would be a "cool thing to write about."
Lame.

Oh. my. god.
I don't think I want to move to New York anymore.
or watch TV. Ever again.

Holy crap! We never did land on the moon and the Holocaust was just a story
the Jews made up so people would feel sorry for them.
Then there's this guy.

If I were you I'd make this website a daily habit.

By the way Jack Nicholson
looks nuts, but he's still really really smooth.






Oh and I leave you with my favorite Internet quote of the night.
"This is lousy, lousy journalism," said Bartell,
who still scours the paper's online edition for typos despite
graduating in May 2006. "The way they covered the School of
Management's Casino Night this year was a slap in the face. Complete
and utter fluff. Don't tell me what the people were wearing, damn
it—tell me who won the raffle at the end of the night, and what the
prizes were."

zing.

2.21.2007



Let's put a laugh track on videobank!


Okay, now I don't have a grudge against Fox news. When I go home me and my dad make it our nightly ritual to watch The O'Reilly Factor after dinner (it's a bonding thing) so I hold a special place in my heart for that show. And let's face it, if it weren't for cable news channels I would know nothing about Ana Nichole's lawsuits and Britney Spear's shaved head.
But you do not claim to be a fair and balanced news station one day and run off to produce some cheap Daily Show knock off the next day.

The daily show is on Comedy Central. They never have to follow their comedy show with a report on how many people were killed in Darfur today. Leave the come

Let's get another thing straight. It is not the Conservative/liberal thing. Making fun of conservatives is just as funny as making fun of liberals. And when I read Ann Coulter I admit I do laugh a little. The fact is, it is funny to make fun of pompous political assholes whose heads are stuck up their asses.
Al Gore-Funny.
Dennis Kucinich- funny (but just because he is so un-believably delusional).
Dick Cheney- Shot a guy in the face. Funny with a lot of u's in the middle.
So 1/2 hour news hour could have worked. It has lots of potential and could have tried to balance the slant of the Cable TV fake news shows.
But unfortunately-it didn't work out to well. But I'll let you decide.
Bottom line the half hour news hour needs to hire some better writers, and move over to Comedy Central or to a pod cast.


Also it's funny to make fun of idiots, which is why I have another place in my heart for wife swap.

Labels:

2.17.2007

Pretty soon I'll be able to buy my first Porche


Tim Hardaway is the newest patient to be admitted into the Clinic.
The treatment program will be a little like the one that
Ted Haggard was cured at, just you know opposite.


2.15.2007

Back in the day.

Last night while I was lying in bed I kept drifting off but not really going to sleep. And while I drifted in and out of never land. I kept thinking about my younger years.
Now I went to catholic school for my entire adolescent life, seriously Catholic Kindergarten, Grade School, High school and I was this close to going to a Catholic College. I don't care how you look at it that is a long time. So I know all about uniforms and nuns and the only controversy we had over the pledge of allegiance was weather to say it before or after the morning prayer.
Let's just say it was a huge part of my life.
Here's what I remember:
7:30 a.m.
Everybody walked to school or could walk to school. In Westpark there is a new Catholic school every 3 miles so there was none of this bus shit. We all tried to get there early, no matter how cold it was outside, so we could talk outside on the Blacktop.We hung out in the back by the tree where we would debate the superiority of N'Sync or The Backstreet Boys and discuss the highlights from lats night's episode of Roswell.
Since my Mom worked at the school I never had to worry about walking or being late to Blacktop discussion times but i felt their pain.
Once on the blacktop we had to wait until exactly 7:55 before we could enter the building. Something I never understood but when you're 12 years old the last place you want to be is inside so I never questioned it.
Once inside you would either go to the first floor, where the 1st through 4th grade classrooms were, (and where the occasional 5th grader got sent back down to because they were acting up) or the second floor where the 5th through 8th grade classes were.

UpStairs was a really big deal at SMS. Once you were in 5th grade you got to change classrooms the boys wore ties and the girls wore skirts and vests instead of jumpers. The toilets were much higher off the ground too.

8:05 a.m.
Homeroom followed by Dr. K's morning announcements which usually consisted of Mass announcements and 10 minutes of silence while she listened in on every single classroom to make sure they were being quite. We'd then say a prayer take some requests and do the pledge of allegiance. It was all very exciting.

8:15-11:20 a.m.
Another thing about the second floor, besides being divided boys and girls were divided up into dumb and smart kids. You could either go to the dumb math class or the smart one and then the dumb science class and the smart one. I begged my mom to let me into dumb math class, I won. It was so much more fun. In Ms. Blaha's science class we would usually watch a Adam Sander movie or Jesus Christ Superstar. I also learned a lot about the nomads in that class.

In 7th grade Sr. Yvonne devoted an entire class period to teaching us how to cover a book properly using 2 pieces of tape and a book cover that reminded us that Dope is indeed for Dopes.

Sometime during the morning I would leave to go out to the trad van. It was a van located in the parking lot that the kids with learning disabilities got to go to everyday during math or English or science class. It was owned by the state school district so it couldn't actually be in the building because that would interfere with the whole church and state thing so Mrs. Morain came to take us out of class everyday and we'd walk to the van. I went out everyday with one other boy, we'd go over spelling words together for about 20 minutes and then we'd play Dradle and eat chocolate covered matzo with our teacher Mrs. Sweet. I loved the van.

11:25 a.m.- 12:35
Lunch! After returning to homeroom for a quick prayer we'd go off to lunch. Lunch at St. Mark was different. We didn't have a cafeteria so everybody brought their own lunch and if you forgot it you could go to Sr. Yvonne's house and she'd make you a PB and J and a cookie. As I am sure you remember it was all about the table; as we got older we got better tables in the lunch room, by the time we were in 8th grade we were the closest to the door so we were the first ones to run out and get a ball. (Unfortunately by the time you are 14 years old playing 4 square doesn't have the same allure but hey...)

Another weird thing about St. Mark: the boys and girls were separated, they liked to do this to make sure we stayed chaste through 8th grade. We had separate lunches, separate recesses, in 5th grade the girls went to Mrs. Ga lagers room to learn about our periods and they went into Ms. Krisko's room to learn about erections and premature ejaculation. So we were never together.

At lunch time our Principal would sit down with us and put some Nickelodeon produced movie on and we had to eat in silence. It was all very strange now that I look back.
After the girls lunch the boys came in and we went out to recess on the blacktop where we would race to the ball bag to get a ball for four square. Once we were too cool for game we would just sit around a the sewer and make fun of the preps and Celine Dion.

12:45-2:50

We'd have more classes and depending on the day we went to our special class (music, gym, computer and art on Fridays). While I welcomed the break from regular class I usually hated these more than any English class.

Gym: They outlawed dogeball in our school because it was too dangerous, after that I never really had any respect for the physical education program at St. Mark. So I skipped a lot of classes.
In 7th grade me and Jessie forgot our gym clothes so much we had to start writing essays on sportsmanship while everybody else would play basketball.
When we went outside to play softball I would find a spot in the back of the parking lot and sit my ass down in protest ( No wonder I was such a hefty kid), I got a lot of infractions from our gym teacher in those years I don't remember exactly what these did but once I did have to stay after school and stand staring at one spot for 45 minutes. Not fun.

Computer: We had computer class on Wednesdays, during this time we'd go to the lab and learn how to type on iMac's while listening to Sr. Joan Buddha. She was a woman of about 75 who wore the same sheer silk shirt everyday, if you walked behind her you could clearly see the moles and skin tags. Not pretty.

Music: We had music every Monday. In the eight years I went to that school we went through 6 different music teachers. Looking back I wouldn't be surprised to see any one of these guys getting their asses handed to them by Chris Hanson on To Catch A Predator. I mean who in their right mind hired Mr. Folsom?


3:00
Schools out! At this time I'd either go home and watch Rosie or go over to Rachel's where we'd listen to the jerky boys and will smith Cd's.


OHH
I also remember starting a rumor in 1st grade that a man was taking pictures of the girls at the girls recess time and then hiding behind the tard van. Everybody got in a big kick out of that one.


Wow I can't believe you are still here. Sorry that was so incredibly boring. They can't all be gold.

2.14.2007


Live from awards season



I have a confession to make.
I
love Joan and Mellisa Rivers. It's true, every winter, at a time of the
year when when the most popular movies in the country usually end with
the word "Movie", I can sit down with theTV guide channel and catch up on who's wearing who, and who has come out, and how dare she wear the Louie with the Wang on a Sunday afternoon?

I really do love these women. They have it all- the cheesy puns, sexual innuendo from ageless fasionsitas, strange mother daughter, pushing the borders of inappropriate, humor. My heroes.
In honor of the Rivers I will soon be beginning my own section: The best and worst dressed at bgsu. I just need to get a digital camera and a snappy sidekick who will banter with me.

Look forward to it.

2.13.2007

Snow Day!


Things I've learned this weekend:
Cheap Pancakes and Lots of beer = lots of drunken people throwing up in your living room.
Presidential canidates should register on match.com more often.
Gene Kelly is sexy.
Sweethearts dances are awesome.
Do not try to walk outside, you will pass out and die in the frozen tundra.
Wearing your pajamas inside out really does work!
The world sometimes scares me.

Was UFO cancled today?

2.09.2007

Start it up



Emily I was at the UFO meeting last night and as cute as that cat is I believe that these are the corrected minutes:

I don't know the internet lingo for a shutter but I would use it right now if I did.

Anyway back to business. Last night we went to Toledo to celebrate Jessie's birthday (because founders caught on fire and smells), I got embarrassingly drunk (this seems to be a theme with me)and proceeded to give giant bear hugs to everyone at the party. Twas fun.

I have a bone to pick with the pop culture library. Yesterday I just wanted to find a good cheesy book to read at night so I go to the library but all the books are held hostage on the 4th floor. I mean seriously who's going to sit in the pop culture library for five days and read Four Past Midnight? Who does that? So instead I got this
Buk's a pretty cool cat, good bathroom reading and the bar ain't bad either.

Finaly. I am publishing a draft of the cover letter I am attaching to my resume. I figured that I should strike while the iron was hot so I am sending it out this weekend.
Please review.

Dear Trimspa:
I am writing in response to the ad you placed in the New York Times this morning.
I am very interested in the recently available position as spoksmodel.
You could do wonders with me.
I realize you will have many applicants over the next few days so I am including a list of my qualifications:
I have no problem getting intoxicated in the middle of the day.
I am okay with getting naked at public events sometimes.
I like to eat in bed.
Velour is my favorite type of track suit.
My aunt is a nurse, so I should have no problem stealing some Valium.
I can put on one mean Texas accent.
I think older men are much more attractive.

While conducting your nation wide search for Ms. Trimspa 2007
I hope you will keep me in mind.
sincerely,
Theresa Scott


2.07.2007

A few random things for you today .



Somebody please tell me why cartoon network didn't try to bomb my house?
I could really use the money.
And while we're on it can I sue Humans vs. Zombies I couldn't go out of the house for weeks after that terrorist scare.
The streets just aren't safe anymore.
I will however accept a lifetime supply of nerf balls as compensation for my pain.

Oh and the Michael Richards transformation is shaping up quite nicely. First I start with sensitivity training:


finaly, while traveling in Hollywood don't ever torment a giant wookie you'll end up with a broken arm. Plus none of your friends would believe you anyway.

2.06.2007

Back to things



The last post is like watching a video tape of yourself drinking. Not fun.
Pretty embarrassing actually, but I think I'll leave it up there for shits and giggles.

Now back to life, I've had a pretty busy week. This weekend I went home so I could write my 2 papers and my article (woo!). This week isn't looking any less busy, plus I have to finish planning the pancake breakfast. So much work.

To do today:
1. Rent some tables from the union
2. Threaten the a-holes who work at distribution that if they don't deliver my tables again I will sue their asses
3. Write a paper on poetry
4. Write a poem (pressure!)
5. Contact the office of campus involvement for article on FIGURE
6. Cook dinner
7. Clean dinner
8. UFO
9. Sleep


sorry this wasn't interesting either.
Next time I'll knock it outta the park.

2.04.2007

What Superbowl?


So I just spent 2 hours watching a documentary on the bible, yeah I'm that cool.
The more I watch on these things the more confused I get. I don't know if I believe any of the "god" thing and the more I learn the more it does not make sense. I mean humans are 160,000 years old. 2,000 years is nothing. So much of religious teaching seems to work on fear; fear of hell, fear of god. I don't think I could ever really know one way or the other.

That being said after 14 years of Catholic school I still identify with Catholicism greatly and I love the traditions of it. I can't explain why but it is still such a strong part of my back ground. I love the weddings, I loved being an alter girl (don't worry I was a girl), I love that the nuns who taught at my grade school were meaner than shit. I don't think I could ever look back on that part of my life as a bad thing.



On a lighter note


In lue of getting a real job and in favor of making some money I have decided to move to California and start a Center For celebrities Who Need to Learn to Shut The Fuck Up or cfcwntlsthu (we're working on it). If they pay 10,000 dollars to a personal shopper for a 3 month old I think my center will be a huge success. At cfcwntlsthu I will teach people who's very existence depends on how popular they are that sometimes we need to wear clothes and yes camera phones exist and will catch your racist rants.
Michael Richards will be pro-bono work, after that they'll all come flooding in.




Drunk Blogging is never a good thing.
I'm off.