Just for fun.

It’s December, and you know what that means. We have all eaten all of our Thanksgiving leftovers (hopefuly) and A Christmas Story is sure to be on loop on TNT in just a few short weeks. And after all is said and done we all have just one thing on our mind; “where, oh where am I going to go to buy that new ipod nano this year?”
Well thanks for asking because I have the answer for you my friend. This holiday season start up the Saturn, pack the fam in tight and drive over to your neighborhood Wal-Mart.
Now I know what you must be thinking; “Wal-Mart? But last year they didn’t even whish me a Merry Christmas!”
I know that was what I was thinking; I remember walking into the BG Wal-Mart last December being physically sickened when I was immediately greeted not with a “Merry Christmas”, but a “Happy Holidays”. I am no fool and I could easily recognize this as a slap in the face of the little baby Jesus on his birthday.
I knew the first time that the 86 year old greater named Morty smiled his toothless smile and uttered the phrase “Happy Holidays” that I would not take this lying down. I promptly tore the smiley faced sticker he had placed on my shirt off, drop kicked the old man and stepped on his wrinkled neck yelling back – “it’s Christmas you incompetent scrooge! Get it right old man!”
I promptly ran out of the store, confused, perplexed, angry security guards hot on my tail. What was going on? Did Wal-Mart begin to label its doors? Was there one door for Jews? One for Christians? One for everyone else? Had I accidentally wandered into that “other door” I looked up but no- Wal-Mart was saying Happy Holidays to everyone- the nerve! I vowed never to enter the retail giant again.
But today I woke up and could finally say “Praise the Lord!” That’s right fellow students Christmas is back, this time with a vengeance. Wal-Mart has turned back to God.
After a year of intense lobbying by Christian and right wing organizations Wal-Mart has nixed the “politically correct” and to me “morally offensive” term Happy Holidays for good old Saint Nick and Merry Christmas. Yes thanks to the hard work of these gentle men and women who have ignored causes like genocide in Darfur and AIDS to zero in on the really important issues here.
Thanks to these brave men and women who have probably endured quite a few blisters from pounding the tough streets of Washington D.C. to bring Christmas back to America.
So when you are shopping this season you need only to head to one place, that one truly American store, your freedom superstore: Wal-Mart. So this Christmas don’t forget Wal-Mart, thank them for giving millions of Indonesian children work every day. Thank them for keeping its women where they belong, in low paying and promotion less jobs. And most importantly let’s thank Mal-Mart for not being afraid and standing up to say MERRY FUCKING CHRSTMAS.
If in all of this you are thinking what the Jewish employees of Wal-Mart must feel when they are forced to tell shoppers Merry Christmas don’t worry because as we all know that Wal-mart doesn’t hire Jews.