Ah the New Year, the champagne, the drunken trips to New York, and the resolutions. It’s that time of year where we all promise to loose weight, to stop smoking, to live a long and healthy life. Well I am here to tell you that that you might flush those resolutions down the toile because the world is ending and it’s ending fast.
As you may or may not know on this the Mayan calendar comes to an end on December 23, 2012. The only plausible explanation for this can be summed up in one word: Doomsday.
Obviously the ticking clock has left apocalypse theorists panicking. There are only 5 more years for them to develop, prefect, and sell the prefect end of days theories to the growing public.
With the Y2K guys out of jobs and homeless now there is a frantic race for the finish here. These guys are desperate to be right.
But with so many possible apocalypse theories out there I understand how hard it is to pick the right one. You may be asking; with so many theories how will I know which one to pick? Well never fear, because I have developed a comprehensive, easy to read guide to the apocalypse. In it you will find my favorite 5 judgment day theories. So sit back, grab your latte, and contemplate the end of the world.

1. The world run out of oil then goes on to blow ourselves up. In this theory the world starts to consume more oil than it can produce, soon countries all hoard their oil away. Saudi Arabia trades china oil for weapons, the U.S. drops a nuke on the Saudi’s and the world is sent into a nuclear winter.
I like this theory. I know that I am already clubbing my neighbors in the head with baseball bats just so I can siphon gasoline out of their H2 Hummer. When we run out I’ll be ready.

2. Global warming: The polar ice caps melt, New York City becomes an under water Atlantis, it snows in Africa and Al Gore and Denis Quaid build a underwatter bunker where where they harvest organic foods.

3. Overpopulation: In the next 6 years the world will become so overpopulated that it cannot support itself. Crops are destroyed; there is mass starvation, looting, AIDS, poverty and crime. The streets of BG begin to look like Compton.
I have one solution for this theory: sterilize buy Britney Spears. Problem solved.

4. A deadly flesh eating virus: We’ll call it the FAMP virus. This one undoubtedly starts out in some Asian country. Here’s how it will go down; a group of businessmen carrying the virus fly to New York or London, business man one drops dead, business man two screams-infects a passerby with the virus, who then goes home to kiss his wife pretty soon the entire world is infected. All human life has been destroyed within 72 hours of the initial infection, with the exception of the Cruise family, who Xenu gave the antidote with orders to repopulate the world.
I am not too worried about this one I still have plenty of the masks I bought during the SARS scare.

5. The Grey Goo theory. This is my personal favorite theory. It involves out of control self-replicating robots. In this version of the apocalypse microscopic Nanobots break themselves down and devouer all matter on earth while they multiply themselves.
This is the one I’m rooting for in the apocalypse day race. End of story.

So now that you have all the facts I hope you have something to contemplate over the next five years. I do hope I have given you something to keep you lying awake at night.
I’m not fooling around here kids. The end is near, so I suggest you drink lots of Wild Turkey, begin smoking and take up base diving because in 5 years we’re all done for anyway.