Before you get yourself invested.



I meet a lot of people. I have met my friends at parties, in class, though various sorority functions, needless to say my facebook friends are pushing the 200 mark. While I was looking at all the faces on my facebook one day I began to wonder, "how many of these people would be my friend if they really knew what a freak I am?"

Now I know what you are thinking, "But Theresa you are amazing! Who would not eat broken glass to be your friend?" And I know, I wonder the same thing sometimes but I still cannot tell you how many times I have gotten a "What the hell is wrong with you look" while sitting with a group of my followers. Apparently it takes people a little while to realize that I am indeed a freak.

So I wanted to clear the air, to get a few things out into the open, so you really know what you are getting yourself into if you accept my friendship.

Don't ever say I didn't warn you.


4 Reasons Not To Be My Friend

1. I pluck my leg hair. Now this is a really weird one, but I often find myself sitting by the TV zoning out and just like some people do to their eyebrows I pluck my leg hair. It's true. Between shaves I go patch by patch until little sections of my leg are hair free. I often attribute this to the OCD that runs around like a cold in my family but once I pick up those tweezers you might as well not talk to me for at least a half hour. It is taking all of my willpower right now to not run to the bathroom and get my tweazerman tweezers for a day of fun. MMMMMM.

2. I will eat your food. Have ever been out to dinner at a fancy restaurant, such as the upscale Olive Garden, and been peacefuly eating your meal when somebody just reaches right across the table and picks a ravioli off of your plate and into his or her mouth? Annoying? Well I am that person. This food picking problem of mine is another uncontrolable urge for me. I will pick at anybodies' food, you have a bag of chips my hand is going in there, a sandwich? I will open it up and take out a piece of turkey. If you have a plate of cookies I will break one in half, eat that half and leave the other one to go stale on the plate. And don't even try to bring ice cream around me.

3. I am a dude. It's true, I proably have more testosterone floating around in me than your Uncle Chuck. I have my own cigarette rolling machine which leaves my fingers dry and a little yellow. I don't like "cocktails." Bruce Willis is my favorite action hero and when I was a young girl (no kidding) I strove to be just like him. I know more about the Corleone family than my unemployed father who divides his time pretty evenly between CNN and Spike TV. And I swear if I had balls I would be constantly adjusting them.

4.I burp when I get nervous. This has been going on for about 5 years now, whenever I get nervous (and that tends to happen a lot, I have a slight 1980s Woody Allen thing going on) I start to burp. And I don't mean little polite burps, I'm talking about long loud hollow burps. I could probably burp the abc's on a really good day. The worst thing about these things is I never know how long they're going to last it could be three minutes to three hours on any given day. Could you imagine sitting next to me during The Departed while listening to me quietly burp the entire time? Pretty disgusting.

So now you know. After this post I doubt I will have any actual friends left so if you excuse me I am going to go look for a shack, which I can begining filling up with a bunch of cats as soon as possible. Because nobody wants to die alone.